Johnny Depp - The Fast Show 4

32.	SUIT YOU
	[int. tailors’ shop - Johnny Depp walks in, sporting a cowboy hat and
	boots, to discover PW strangely holding his hands in the air...]
PW	Sorry, sir - I was just cupping an imaginary pair of breasts.
	[pause as PW resumes this action for a moment longer!]
PW	Good morning, sir - and how are we today, sir?
JD	Fine. I’m fine, thank you. Radiant.
	[this startles PW somewhat - isn’t this his usual line?]
JD	Radiant, as you English people like to say. I was looking for a, er,
	something in a very traditional British suit.
	[slight pause as PW walks around JD, recovering from his initial shock]
PW	You’re an American - aren’t you, sir?
JD	Yes.
PW	Have you been here long?
JD	Couple days.
PW	You boned anyone yet, sir? Hoh!
JD	Hm?
PW	This suit, sir - a pinstripe or a tweed?
JD	I don’t know, er, maybe...
PW	Perhaps a pinstripe?
JD	OK.
PW	Oh! Yes, sir, I can see it now, sir, you, in your new pinstripe suit, the
	picture of English elegance and authority, sir, as you take your old fellow
	out, sir, and give it to some dirty little bit of rough - ooh! Under a
	bridge, or behind a railway siding, sir - ooh! Suits you, sir!
JD	Listen, you know, maybe I should...
	[JD glances away from PW for a second, in which time PW ducks down
	and is instantly replaced by a rising MW - which causes JD to double
	take...]
MW	Are you perchance an American, sir? Been here long, sir?
JD	Couple days.
MW	BANGED anyone yet, sir?
JD	Please, I just... I...
MW	Because you don’t usually hang around - do you, sir? I remember in the
	war, you Yanks were in like a shot! (I don’t mean in the actual fighting -
	you were a couple of years too late for that, sir). I mean in the humping.
	[PW has gone round to JD’s left side now]
PW	Hoh! That’s right, sir - you’d step down off the boat, wouldn’t you, wipe
	the vomb from your uniform - hoh! - and before you could say, “God
	bless America”, you’d be slipping it to every English rose under the age of
	seventy, sir. Oooh!
MW	Oooh!
JD	I actually- I wasn’t even born till after th-...
PW	No, sir - neither was I. It’s just an image I like to conjure up every now
	and then. The fine, young, strong American buck and the frail, delicate,
	English beauty entwined in a sexual ballet choreographed by the Devil
	himself, sir. Ooooh!
JD	It’s a nice image, isn’t it?
PW	Hoh!
	[pause as MW and PW are lost in a world of their own...]
MW	Ohh!
PW	Ohh! Oh, this suit-
JD	Yeah, right.
MW	You must’ve kneaded some prime bazookas in your time - as you
	Americans like to call them, sir.
JD	Wh-wh-wh-
PW	Have you ever added it up, sir? Must be a bewildering number.
JD	Wh-
MW	Gushing torrent of young ladies.
PW	An avalanche of quim.
MW	A mountain of minge. A cornucopia of-
PW	Suits you, sir! Ooh!
*2	Suits you, sir! Oh! Ooh! Oh!
PW	Now, sir - single or double breasted. Oh! I do apologise, sir - that
	sounded like a smutty innuendo, didn’t it?
MW	Do you like a bit of smut, sir?
PW	Oh! Suits you, sir!
MW	Suits you, sir.
PW	Oh!
*2	Suits you! Suits you! Suits you! Suits you!
JD	LOOK! Will you just build me a fucking suit?
	[slight pause as that stops PW and MW in their tracks]
PW	Very well, sir. We’ll measure you up.
	[PW and MW breathe heavily on the end of their tape measures]
MW	Do you like being measured up, sir?
*2	Ooh!
PW	Go on, Kenneth!
MW	Suits you! Suits you, sir! Get in, Ken!
JD	Ooh!
MW	That’s it, sir!
PW	That’s it, sir!
JD	Oooh!
PW	Give it some, sir!
JD	Ooooh!
PW	Enjoy yourself! Come over, sir!
JD	Oooooh!
*2	Sir! Suits you, sir! Suits you!...
JD	Oooh!
*2	Suits you, sir!
JD	Oooh!
*2	That’s it, sir! Ooh! Suits you! Thank you, sir! Suits you!
MW	Would you like to come to our club, sir?
PW	Hoh! For gentlemen?
MW	Ohh!
PW	Ohhh!
	[slight pause]
JD	OHHHH!