Johnny Depp Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Part 4
By Shadow
vspeakman@msn.com

National Institute of Cultural Evaluation
 

From:  Kevin Crook
NICE@OklahomaCity.OK

To:  Michael Brasco
NICE@NewYork.NY

Hey Mike.  What in the world is going on with NICE and that pirate movie?  Ever since the order came down from HQ to watch the thing, it has been bedlam here.  It’s like the hormones from hell have been unleashed.

First all the women here got excited about getting to see the movie at work.  Clearly this wasn’t the first viewing for some of them, as they were quoting it throughout the showings.  Some were even saluting and swashbuckling during the thing.  I’ll admit it wasn’t too bad of a movie, but come on.  It wasn’t like this was The Godfather or anything.  But it sure has led to some changes here in the Oklahoma office.

Environmental.  There is more talking, laughing, joking, and grinning.  Most everyone is more lighthearted then I have ever seen.  It is hard to believe that a single movie could have this effect.  Also, there are Johnny Depp pictures all over the place.  In cubicles, on computers, and rumor has it the ladies room now sports several posters.

Productivity.  Surprisingly enough, for all the tomfoolery, they are getting more work done.  Have come in ahead of deadline with two projects, both of which were finished with more creativity and quality than expected.  Can’t complain about that.

Edna.  You remember her, the little old lady who mans the front desk.  Kind of frumpy, shy, and cranky.  They now call her Admiral Edna.  She comes to work in billowy white blouses and pants with a sash around her waist.  I swear the other day she even had beads tied in her hair.  Yesterday I asked her to get me some coffee and she said, “I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request.  Get yer own coffee, you scabrous dog.”  Also, she has commandeered the lunch room, set up a TV and VCR, and plays Johnny Depp interviews during the lunch hour.  To a packed house.

Marla.  Sweet, gentle, quiet, girl who wouldn’t hurt a fly.  Well she now has a Once Upon a Time in Mexico obsession with Agent Sands.  I happen to have seen that movie.  Sands was a vicious, psychotic bastard.  But Marla, who has pictures of him and his bloody face all over the place, just says “Sands,”  gets all dreamy eyed, smiles this weird grin, and sighs.

Is this going on in the other offices or do I need to request a transfer?
 

To:  Kevin Crook
NICE@OklahomaCity.OK

From:  Michael Brasco
NICE@NewYork.NY
 
 

Hey Kevin.  It isn’t safe anywhere.  In their vernacular “Batten down the hatches.  The miscreants are everywhere.”

From:  AnaMaria Mendes
NICE@Dallas.TX

To:  Geena Watson
NICE@LosAngeles.CA
 

Oh. My. Gawd.  You actually met THE MAN?  You actually shook his hand?  How fantastic is that?  You lucky woman, you.  Well that settles it, I am simply going to have to tell Harold to sell the ranch so we can move to LA!!!.  There just isn’t any other way to cope!!!  Then I will have to hang out with you all the time so maybe some lucky day I can meet him too.   Do we have an accord?

So, let me get this straight…you won a ticket to a matinee screening of Secret Windows at the Bonneventure Hotel, and as a surprise Johnny Depp showed up?  And shook your hand.  Well, I will tell you how you handle this, girl.  You never wash that hand again.  No, that won’t work.  Okay, here is what you do….wash the hand, but save the dirty water.  Who knows, there could be little scraps of Johnny DNA floating around in that water.   Maybe you should freeze it or something to preserve it.  You know, they are still working on that cloning thing, even as we speak.

Sounds like you left the hotel just in the nick of time.  Wasn’t that awful about those mutineers attempting to keel haul the governor there that evening?  Reserve the lowest circle of hell for them.
 

To:  AnaMaria Mendes
NICE@Dallas.TX

From:  Geena Watson
NICE@LosAngeles.CA

Let me get this straight….you are proposing to haul your hubby and five kids from their home in Texas to LA just on the off chance you might meet Johnny Depp some day?  That is too bold!

And, given his future schedule, I would say this is not the opportune moment.
 

To: Dr. Diana Mickler
NICE@NewYork.NY

From:  Elizabeth Turner
NICE@Spokane.WA

Hi Diana.  How do you like being back in the real world?  Hope you are as joyous there as I am here.  I like working here and the staff and everyone are quite compatible.  Wasn’t it cool how they had us watch Pirates?  More new JD fans here.

We have a thing going at lunchtime.  Dr. Hallcamp brings in a batch of rolls each week from the Bagel Factory and we have a bunch of those heavy-duty plastic forks (metal ones are too dangerous with this crowd!).  Anyway, we put on Benny and Joon and practice doing the roll dance.  At first there were just three of us doing it, but now we number about fifteen.  It really is hard to do it right, not just the motion with the hands but the shoulders and eyes and everything.  You should see how the rolls fly sometimes.  But we keep practicing and trying out new moves.  Lots of fun.

My sword practice is still going great also.  Haven’t hurt anybody yet.

Liz
 

From: Dr. Diana Mickler
NICE@NewYork.NY

To:  Elizabeth Turner
NICE@Spokane.WA

Hi Liz,

Great to hear about the roll dance practice.  We will have to try that one here.  What fun.

I have just about recovered from the loss of the Oscar.  It helped that JD seemed so glad that Sean won it.  And we have Secret Window to look forward to.

Evidently we aren’t the only ones studying the effects of JDOCD.  A Dr. Roo from England issued a report this week on JDOCDNPS (Neglected Partner Syndrome) and JDOCDNF&FS (Neglected Family and Friends Syndrome).  And a bloody good report it was!  And Dr. Neophyte has requested a study on JDOCDNBS (Neglected Business Syndrome).  I guess the disorder is producing ripples throughout the world, not just in the Spanish Main, love.

And the disorder continues to grow.  “Pirates of the Caribbean” remains in the top five DVD sells at Amazon.com twelve weeks after its release.   It is also in the top 10 listed in Entertainment Weekly.  This is extremely unusual for a movie.  Not much is being said about it publicly though.  Wonder why?  Well the media will ignore this phenomena as long as possible, since they missed its inception.  It will be interesting to see what happens with Secret Window though.  If it does as well as I expect, someone might notice that pirates have taken over the ship.  And they will follow their Captain Depp anywhere he chooses to lead.

The fun continues here in New York.  The Director’s wife, Patricia, has infected both his sisters, their daughter, and most of her book club with JDOCD. She is most persuasive.  And having a total blast with it.

Wooden eyeballs continue to stalk the Director.  He is handling it mostly all right, but I hear he freaked right out when one showed up in his lunch the other day.

Diana
 
 

From:  Dr. Paul Showalter, Director
NICE@NewYork.NY

To:  Dr. Jack Mickler, Retired
DonOctavio@delFlores.Castille

Jack,

I could use some advice.  Do you remember back when you were treating the Don Juan kid?  You effected an amazing cure for his delusions in just ten days.  How did you do it?  And is it possible to use the cure on massive quantities of people?  And does the cure work for other mental problems as well?  I need to know the answers and I need them fast.

Thanks,

Paul
 

To:  Dr. Paul Showalter, Director
NICE@NewYork.NY

From:  Dr. Jack Mickler, Retired
DonOctavio@delFlores.Castille

Paul,

Clearly you’ve never been to Singapore.

I didn’t cure the boy….he was Don Juan, and in fact, he cured me.  My life was going nowhere, and my life was as dry as sand.  The boy showed me how to breathe again and taught me that perception is everything.

From what Diana tells me, this is the same thing she learned from her beloved Captain Jack Sparrow.  But you have to be receptive to get it.  The cure is on an island that cannot be found except by those who already know where it is.  Once you understand that you will be well on your way to a treasure that is not all silver and gold.  Savvy?

Jack
 

Author’s note: Dr. Laura(tco) first coined the term JDOCD.  She is also the LHA Laura who mans the Pirates of the Caribbean interactive program and tries to control the riotous crew there.  For more information and a lot of fun see the site at www.potcinteractive.com

Please email me if you find
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