Part 3
By Shadow
vspeakman@msn.com
National Institute of Cultural Evaluation
Dr. Diana Mickler
Personal Log
February 18, 2004Welcome back to the Big Apple, love. I have returned onboard the New York National Institute of Cultural Evaluation, feeling the wind in my hair and breathing the sweet scent of pollution, after my incarceration at Camp Pendleton. I have full-blown Phase 3 Johnny Depp Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (JDOCD) and am reveling in it. In order to prepare the crew for my return, the Director requested that the staff watch Pirates of the Caribbean at least once, with a recommendation that they watch it three times, if possible. Then he required each employee to rate the movie and write his or her thoughts on it. Here are the results:
18 members said they didn’t get what the big deal was – including my new partner, Michael Brasco, who wrote a three page dissertation on how illogical the entire movie was, bless his weasely, black guts. Rated it one or two out of five. – Norrington and his troops, for sure.
34 members said it was a pretty good movie and they enjoyed it. Rated it four out of five. – Maybe waiting for the opportune moment?
22 members said they needed to see the movie several more times to get it all and they couldn’t believe they were actually getting paid to watch it. Rated it five out of five - This is our able-bodied crew!
8 members gave wonderful reviews of Johnny Depp’s performance and requested being assigned to me to work on the project. Rated it five out of five. - Faithful hands before the mast!!
2 members loved the movie, and thought Orlando Bloom totally stole the picture from under Jack Sparrow’s nose. Rated it five out of five. - They’ve proved they’re mad!!!
4 members wrote largely incoherent and questionable fantasies about Kiera Knightley. Rated it five out of five, but were disqualified for future study. Frightful bad luck to bring these pirates aboard, vile and dissolute creatures – the lot of them.
1 member wrote his paper completely from quotes of Barbossa. We think we know who he is. The stuffed monkey and really big hat gave him away. Rated fivc gold medallions. – A bloody pirate and scalawag.
Nobody rated the movie three out of five.
Someone keeps rolling wooden eyeballs down the halls. It is driving the Director crazy.
Funny ole world, idn’t it?
February 19, 2004
Parley with the Director and Dr. Brasco, and we have an accord. Sailing in a new direction with the study. “Working With the Disordered”. (Apparently it has been acknowledged that the rate of JDOCD is growing exponentially and shows no signs of dissipating. Thus we need to learn how to live with it rather than how to cure it)
I am to study various aspects of the disorder while Dr. Brasco attempts to figure out how to deal with me and my lot – “Working Sane in a Crazy World”. We will be sharing an office.
I will be working a bit with the members of the staff who are potential JDOCD subjects to determine how many will actually develop this, or get past the obsession. I will also attempt to see how we can use the disorder to improve their lives and working skills. Patricia, the Director’s wife, will be joining us in these sessions. After the Director saw Pirates a few times he said that what was going on at home pretty much smacked him in the face. After she was confronted and confessed, The Dread Pirate Patty insisted on becoming involved in our research. She made it inescapably clear there would be no living with her if this wasn’t permitted.
One thing I plan to do is set up The-Discuss-It-To-Death website, where in-depth analytical evaluations on various Johnny related subjects can be held. Some of the topics to be considered:
For Phase One Group:
The Vanity Fair Picture – bedhead, stylishly (?) tousled, or was it Jack’s turn to fix Daddy’s hair?
Which of his suits do you like best and why? Which shirt? Which hat? Which pair of socks? Footwear?
Which is your favorite accent? Hair length? Hair color? Tattoo? Piece of jewelry? Mole?
For Phase Two Group:
In each of the characters he has played, which of Johnny Depp’s personal characteristics do you think came through in the role?
Which phrases from his movies do you quote most often and in what situations do you tend to use them?
How do you deal with the trauma when Johnny doesn’t win all the awards he deserves?
What most impressed you most in the “Inside the Actor’s Studio” interview?
Which of Johnny’s movies most touched your heart? What was it about that movie?
For Phase Three Group:
Given that he hasn’t seen some of his movies, do you think Johnny could hold his own in a discussion of them with us, or would we completely overwhelm him?
How has your disorder changed your life?
What characteristics would you expect that people with JDOCD have in common?
How do you deal with family and friends who do not understand your disorder?
Do you have any ideas for achieving “balance” in your life? Besides shooting the cook?
February 22, 2004
He Won!!!! Johnny Depp – Screen Actor’s Guild – Best Actor of the Year for Pirates of the Caribbean – Now that one he deserved. Drinks all around!!!!!
I haven’t been this happy since….wait a minute…I don’t remember ever being this happy. Good Lord, what is wrong with me? Oh well, better late than never. He won!! He is the best!!! Captain Jack was a superb piece of work by a fantastic artist. A wonderful pirate, and a good man. And his peers recognized this. About bloody time!! Now it is time to see if the Academy can sail under the command of a pirate, or can they not? Well they had best be for figuring out how, or someone will be walking the plank!!!!
February 23, 2004
Hands to the braces, we’ve been boarded! The Director was at a conference all day Friday and Saturday. When he got back to his office this morning he discovered that some miscreant had scurried into his office, commandeered his computer, and issued a command to all the other Institute facilities. Every employee was to watch Pirates of the Caribbean at least three times and issue a report of their evaluation of the movie to our New York office today. (Bless the powers that be, I am so computer illiterate I am not a suspect.) The scoundrel then tied a red bandana around the top of the director’s monitor. Attached to the bandana was a string of beads, which hung down to halfway in front of the monitor. At the bottom of the beads the rascal had tied a big fishhook. On the hook was a wooden eyeball.
Last I saw of the Director, he was walking around looking dazed and sputtering incoherently.
Author’s note: Dr. Laura(tco) first coined the term JDOCD. She is also the LHA Laura who mans the Pirates of the Caribbean interactive program and tries to control the riotous crew there. For more information and a lot of fun see the site at www.potcinteractive.com
